5/25/09

DATING RED FLAGS!!!!!

I've been helping my friend with relationship issues and accumulated some Dating Red Flags online. I thought it could help others who might need help figuring out what some of these are. Sorry I do not have the resource sources listed. But I'm sure you could google the exact sentences and get the source. 
 * I've finally realized that no matter how gorgeous and alluring the new stranger is, you have to quit when a red flag goes up. As soon as it goes up.
* When you pick someone who is too far from you on the continuum, you’ll be fighting a painful, losing battle because your fundamental ideas about what a relationship should look like will be too different. And don’t trick yourself into thinking that these things will change. That’s a mistake people make all the time. Instead, take the time to carefully assess this dimension in any potential partner. Your future relationship satisfaction depends on it!!
* "A man is who he is by his 16th birthday. Don't enter a relationship expecting him to change, because he won't, even if it is better for him and he knows it. And if he DOES seem to change, he'll only revert back the moment you let up, and he'll only resent you the whole time you are trying to get him to change. It's not worth it."
* She/He engages and disengages without warning. For example, every time you take her out you have a great time and a lot of fun but then she barely returns your calls, or takes several days to return them. You end up calling first because you have fun together but you find yourself in a chase mode with no indication of whether or not she's willing to be caught. This is not courting, this is a game of control and dysfunctional interaction usually dominated by someone who has mental health issues. This person is good at yo yo-ing you're emotions and making you question yourself. Bottom line...they're users.
* He makes it clear that he doesn't want you talking about him to anyone else.
* He vacillates from day-to-day or week to week as to whether he wants to be in a relationship or not.
* His life is ambiguous. You never really feel like you "know" him. You may meet his family once, and friends occasionally, but you always feel like he's hiding something. He never really explains any of his past in detail. And, if he does, it's only when he's explaining his way out of something. I.E. "I'm the victim, and here's why."
* On the first date, he tells you he thinks he could fall in love with you, and/or wants to marry you and he'll convert to your religion because "you are the one", etc...
* Despite his obvious mental angst [or perhaps because of it...] he completely rejects the idea of professional therapy as a sham, preferring to confide in YOU, because, well, YOU are so much better at understanding him and his troubled life than some overpaid professional "quack."
* He/she has an elevated tension level consistently. Tries to paint the inability to relax as a positive character trait.
* says things like "I see in you the woman you can be (/become)", in combination with his 
love declarations. (This sounds very romantic in the beginning, as if he wants to help you grow, or develop, or god knows what you make of it, but in fact it means: I see flaws in how you are now and I am going to do something about "fixing" you)
* He and you grew up differently- him from a traditional "old world" style family- and you a "Americanized" family- and he wants you to behave/dress/talk more conservative (like his mother- a lifelong homemaker).
* He does something REALLY inconsiderate and/or discourteous, and no matter how calmly you try to talk to him about it, he JUST DOESN'T SEEM TO UNDERSTAND why you are hurt or upset. You find yourself having to explain concepts of basic courtesy to him. He insists that you are overreacting, being too sensitive, or uses some other implication that there must be something wrong with you. Even if he DOES apologize, you leave the conversation never really feeling like things were actually resolved. Never feeling like he really understood or accepted that his actions were inappropriate or hurtful.
* He says things like "I just want to be good for someone. I just want to be good for YOU." Don't let it tug at your heart-strings. Don't think it means he's REALLY working on his stuff - it means he's so filled with self-hate that he's been an ass to everyone else in his past, and he thinks that he can feel good about himself if he finds the "right" woman. He's searching for salvation through YOU instead of working on his shit himself, and it won't work. It didn't work in the past with all the other women and you are just another kick at the can for him.

    1. He just *leaves* a party or function you went to with him, without telling you (or anyone else) he is leaving, or where he is going.
* He/she talks about looking for a "soul mate" or "someone to complete me".
* He remembers EVERY mistake you ever made, and brings them up long after you apologized (and made reparation), in order to justify HIS bad behavior ("Well YOU did X... and I'm still hurting from it..."). OR he uses those old hurts as excuses for his "depression"
* (for guys in their 30's and 40's) He has NO relationship with his ex-partners, in fact, they want NOTHING to do with him. If he isn't friends with at least a couple of his ex-partners (especially the long-term significant ones), and talks with them socially periodically (over more than issues with their kids), then watch out.
* He seems like a "lost puppy" in need of care. (Get help for yourself for even being attracted.)    1. 
* Experience extreme mood swings. . .tell you you’re the greatest one minute and rip you apart the next minute.
* He/She wants to get married before you have known each other for more than 1-2 years and haven't even lived together yet. It takes at least 1.5yrs for the "hormone rush" of infatuation to wear off, and the true colours to start to emerge, depending on how quickly you individuate away from the "joined at the hip" phase.
* He starts doing things incongruent with the person you THOUGHT you first got to know. People are always on their best behavior during the "courtship" phase. If that behavior starts to degrade and change into little nasty digs, or lies, or other forms of abuse, DITCH him before it gets worse. Don't wait around hoping the the guy you first fell in love with is going to resurface - that was obviously a False Image designed to hook you.
* On the other hand, if he/she does not want to be touched even though you have dated exclusively for several months, you just might ask if 
physical intimacy will ever be a consideration.
* Trying to develop a meaningful relationship with someone who is too self-absorbed or overly involved with their businesses or personal interests will result in loneliness.  

* He seems "too good to be true" - he probably IS (not TRUE, that is).
* He is constantly "down" and has a variety of excuses - his back hurts, he doesn't get enough light, you are keeping him awake at night so he doesn't get enough sleep, he hasn't had enough to eat that day, etc.
* You *clearly* and openly state your expectations and needs, in a calm and caring fashion, you are told that you are being "controlling" or "manipulative" or "too sensitive".
* Someone who has been previously married may be still be seriously affected by unresolved issues (old baggage).  Also, one's past, parents, and previous relationships can negatively impact how they relate to others. 
* Does his/her religious views place any uncomfortable limitations on a relationship?  Is their approach to the things of life too conservative for you?  On the other hand, does he/she hold liberal views that are just too far to the left for you to be able to tolerate?  Whoever said that politics and religion should not be discussed amongst couples may have set a lot of people up for eventual failure in their primary relationships. 
* People who truly love each other want to be with each other as much as possible.  If your boy/girlfriend has one excuse after another as to why they are not available to you, then you might look elsewhere.  Either they are not really interested in you or you simply need more attention.  You can't make someone want to be with you.  It has to come naturally and be obvious. 

* His/her whole social life revolves around his/her parents.
*  He has no kids, no pets, no fish, not even any plants. If the only thing that lives in his place other than him is the mold in the back of his fridge, he’s a non-starter. A guy who can’t even commit to keeping a spider plant alive does not have what it takes to keep a relationship alive.
* You find yourself crying a lot, being depressed or unhappy.
*  He has no kids, no pets, no fish, not even any plants. If the only thing that lives in his place other than him is the mold in the back of his fridge, he’s a non-starter. A guy who can’t even commit to keeping a spider plant alive does not have what it takes to keep a relationship alive.
* Fantasizing about the future:While men are typically (not always) the masters of game playing, women have this one down pat. When you catch yourself trying on his last name before the third date, it's time to remind yourself to slow down. In the first 3-6 months of a relationship, you are likely running on oxytocin, which is a chemical found in chocolate. It creates the sense of well-being and euphoria that comes with “falling in love.” This might as well be dubbed the period of temporary insanity, because you are not in command of all your faculties; your brain is hijacked by those lovely chemicals, interfering with your ability to think clearly. Until you have time to really get to know someone, and see him or her in a wide range of situations, it is helpful to not get ahead of yourself; don't strongly attach to some illusion that you have created about the person. This can lead to pitfalls of setting up unrealistic expectations and subsequent
disillusionment, or depression if the relationship doesn't work out.
* Obsessing over details:
This one is common with those who worry. The worry may be a general habit, but now it is turned on the subject of the relationship: worry about what the other person said, worry about what they meant by it, worry about how you reacted, worry about the relationship not working out, worry about what if it does work out, how will your parents react…on and on. Being anxious is a mood killer, and will not make you attractive to a potential mate. But don't go worrying about that! Try to tap into your self-confidence and trust that if the relationship is meant to work out, it will.
* Rush in, rush out:
Are you reckless in love? Do you plunge into the deep end, only to find that the water is way too cold? Then this one's for you. Getting overly involved too soon is a big red flag. If you do it, then you need to pace yourself, and be more considerate of the other person, who you are probably leading on. If you fall for those who do it, then you need to slow things down and not get taken for a ride (or pursue a different type!).

* On the first date, already talks about marriage or kids. (This is even out on the 2nd or 3rd date)

1 comment:

  1. Wonderful advice, through and through.x

    ReplyDelete

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