Honoring a life

Just a few blog posts ago I wrote about the way bad experiences make us better appreciate the good aspects in life. Ironically, just a couple days after this post, I read in the news about a most heinous crime against a tiny 3-year old girl and my entire world is turned upside down. Suddenly, despite the fact that I did not know the victim, it was hard to simply be, hard to get past this horror in my mind and was reacting to it very intensely. I was taken off my feet by my reaction and even today continue to feel an enormous sense of sadness for this child and her loving family. Suddenly, finding all the so called, 'good aspects' of life, as I wrote in my last post, was much easier said than done.

Breeann Rodriguez was 3 when she was murdered. On Saturday, August 6, 2011, she woke up, got dressed in a pink top and pink and purple pants, brushed her teeth, ate cereal, and went outside her Senath, Missouri house to ride her bike up and down her block with her older brother, who is 5. The community has a zero crime rate and they lived in an end street. At one point while playing, her brother ran inside their home to get a drink and when he came back, Breeann and her bike were gone. After days of an exhaustive and hope-filled search by police and town volunteers, an arrest was made. The man who took her life was a 42 year-old neighbor who had been living there for 10 years. He claimed he saw Breeann in his back yard, standing by his pool and carried her small 30 lbs. body inside his home, suffocated her with a white trash bag, then placed her body in the same white bag and dumped her and her bike in a waterway a few miles from her home. A clearer motive has not been given by the perpetrator, yet he's had a record of losing his temper.

Unfortunately, we all have heard of many such cases before in our lives. But for some reason, this one case, with 3-year old little Breeann, has affected me deeply and I find myself wanting to know why. How come some people read about it and are able to move past it? My friend Jenna suggests that perhaps this case hit me so personally because I too have a daughter who is 30 lbs. and she too likes Dora, and thinks herself our little 'Princess'. She also suggests that perhaps the fact that I have a very active imagination allows me to vividly piece together what it must have been like for this poor little girl to go through this horrifying death. Whatever the reason may be for my deep connection to this one specific case, this one child, I have been trying hard to accept the sadness I feel; not try to move past it, not trying to ignore it. Right now, I am simply allowing myself to feel, living in sadness, not worrying about when the sadness cloud will be lifted.

In the past, when I have experienced death, I found it so important to formulate a life-long plan of how to honor that person's memory with my life, my actions, my choices. From what I read about this little girl, she was a bit shy, but she was a very happy child. I thought of her brothers and of how close knit the family iwas based on the picture slideshows that began to pop up all over the web. I have decided I will honor this child's short, but happy life by heightening my sensitivities toward the sacredness in every child I come in contact with. As I begin the new school year as a teacher of 500+ children, I will take with me this new resolve to make a meaningful difference in each and every child's life. I am not referring to academic goals here. I am referring to something much more important than that. I am talking about inspiring my little people to live life to the fullest and most importantly to see and value their many, many inherent gifts. Too many kids go through their school years absorbing these silly labels placed on them based on their grades on an academic continuum (as if grades somehow determined one's human value or potential as an adult). I will honor Breeann's short life by finding what each of my student is good at and helping them nurture those gifts within themselves.

We CAN create our own MEANINGFUL rituals

There is a great Buddhist story that teaches about our human ability to choose meaningful rituals for ourselves. The story takes place in a Buddhist monastery. The monks are meditating and they hear a cat meowing loudly. This happens every time they are mediating so the monk in charge orders that all cats be tied up before mediation begins and let go right after. Years later, this 'practice' had become rolled and enmeshed into how the monks do their meditation, that it became routine to find a cat, even when none was meowing, and bind him before any mediation was to begin. No one knew quite why this was, only that it was part of their sacred ritual.

I think of this story and ask myself, what do I do daily that's a ritual, yet carries no true and genuine purpose? The first thought that comes to mind are the roles we play. Through TV, media, parents, books, we come to learn and understand that there are certain 'roles' we become part of in life, roles as mothers, as friends, as partners. We strap on these sets of preset expectations and do not see the unnecessary weight they carry in our every day lives, in all our decisions. We essentially become trapped by them. In some ways these roles are like walls to the world. They become like cold shields, protecting us from the world outside.

In my opinion, the institution of marriage carries the most sets of expectations often creating much unneeded suffering to all involved. How many times have we thought "If only she loved me THIS way", or "If he could only really UNDERSTAND me". All this pain and suffering comes from a one-size-fit all expectations within a marriage. I will never forget having a discussion with my husband about him not being "demonstrative" enough. An argument I am pretty sure 90% of women have had with their spouse at one time or another. His response brought me quickly back to reality and allowed me to plainly see that love was flowing all along, just not in the wave length I was looking for. He said, "I talk to you, you don't see me sharing anything with anyone else do you?".

Institutionalized religions also has a tendency to carry within it routines and set of expectations that may also no longer be applicable to our lives today. A good example I encountered a few months back as a baptism I was photographing. During the baptism's reception, I come to find out that one of the godparents did not consider themselves 'religious' and that he had to go through an accelerated set of rituals to be godparent-ready. Would you consider these rituals this godparent has to go through a genuine and true spiritual awakening or a mere spiritually meaningless hurdle ? Obviously the majority find great and deep meaning behind the ritual, but for those who don't, shouldn't the priority be genuine belief?

A few years back I worked at an amazing school where most people often brought god, Jesus or the the church up in conversation. I absolutely did not and do not mind this type of interaction; I love discussing spirituality with anyone. What I did mind was the assumption that if I did not speak on spiritual terms, with spiritual words that somehow I was not in their same level spiritually, or that I must need to be saved. This assumption that somehow the absence of an outward expression of awe for the Infinite somehow translated to the absence of a spiritual center is a huge wall to the world. This is a great example of the unnecessary expectation carried on by certain roles. We should absolutely always question these assumption in order to see people and life clearer. Is talking about being religious really an essential part of being godly?

Even a Buddhist can Appreciate the Season...

This season I always miss being in my Catholic High School in NY. They always celebrated the Holidays with carol singing and the decorations filled the entire school. Interestingly, I do not think of myself as Catholic, or Christian but I still celebrate the season; plus I consider myself a Buddhist.....This last one really confuses people....."How could this be" "some might think. I have read several articles in which people mention this seemingly "watering down" of the real reason behind Christmas. I do not see this as a watering down of anything at all. I see my beliefs and traditions individualized to me and my needs. I actually see this as a break away from a way of thinking that often requires you NOT to think.

I love the Holidays, I love the colors, the lights, the camaraderie, the anticipation for great things to come and the giving. I do not feel any conflicts with the fact that my traditions might have once stemmed from a belief of the existence of a man believed to be the son of God; Jesus.....Perhaps to a devout follower of Christianity my form of spirituality might seem "watered-down", yet I cannot make myself follow beliefs I do not hold. Although I do strongly believe in a God and have witnessed enough miracles (and have had enough divine interventions) to know there is a divine order to everything we experience....I have a very hard time feeling the Jesus story....

I believe humans need rituals and celebrations and special days. For this, I love Christmas, Thanksgiving, Halloween. To me these days represent a day apart from the other in which we allow ourselves to be with one another in some form of harmony. I truly believe that because of the important role traditions play in all our lives, that even Atheists needs traditions.

Following the Parent's Tao Te Ching for the Next Few Months

I love re-finding books in my home library. Lately, I've been needing some grounding in my thinking when it comes to what is really important in parenting. Luke has started school and all of the sudden I find myself uptight and unable to just ALLOW.

Here are some lines from the 1st Tao that I will try my hardest to follow in the next few days.

1. "Don't mistake your desire to talk for their readiness to listen."

I am a BIG lecturer. I have memories of me rambling on and on and seeing my son just hating every minute of it. Then I have memories of my mom lecturing me and acting very much the same way; could not wait to have it just end. So I will ease up on my lecture seeing as they are very ineffective.

2. "Far more important are the wordless truths they learn from you."

So now I feel I must decide what WORDLESS truths I want to my kids to learn from my actions alone.

- I want them to learn that material things are so unimportant and that at times they can even make you sad. I express this WORDLESSLY by the fact that I never care what brands I wear. Our entire family values a bargains over price.

-I want them to learn that I value them as very important and respect their wants and needs and paths in life apart and independent from how they might be rated in school. I express this WORDLESSLY by always following their learning paths

Here is another book that has changed my life.

Books Find YOU...Words Leave you...a CYCLE

All my life I've always had books come to me at just the right times to save me out of some rut. My parents divorced early on and I was a latchkey kid for many years so I ended up always looking for my own answers to life's questions.  When I began searching spirituality at age 19 I ran into a book about Taoism and it helped me center myself and generate more questions. Having always felt absolutely no deep connection to my Catholic roots, Eastern religions were like water to a thirsty plant.....I felt right at home. I later found the works of Chögyam Trungpa, author of countless books on Tibetan Buddhism, my favorite being, Cutting Through Spiritual Materialism which helped tremendously in seeing ways in which my spirituality should belong to me and for the purposes of improving myself and never as an agent of separation among people, as I've experienced so many times in the past. 

By the same token, I've always found personal journal writing to be incredibly helpful in allowing my feelings to be identified clearly. I have journals dating back from when I was a girl. They are sitting in a huge plastic box and have come with me whenever I've moved all these years. I have not ever actually sat down and read them, but perhaps that was never the purpose of them. The only purpose of them was to allow me to get IT out, whatever IT was. The PROCESS itself was it's express purpose. 

I see both reading to find answers and journal writing as a cycle.....Books put new ideas in your heart and mind.....you incorporate these words from these authors in your life.....LIFE happens and you reflect in writing to let go of the old stuff. 

If there is anything I want my kids to know to do is how to find answers to their questions through inquiry, books and relationships. A funny story about my son that relates to this happened last night. During one of our long chats during his nightly hyperactive hour, Luke recounted that when he was a baby he remembers falling down the stairs after being accidentally brushed aside by our huge German Shepherd. I was amazed how much of that experience he remembered. From the fact that is was at night, who caught him, to how many people were home when it happened.  It led him to ask everyone in our family to tell him a story about when we were little like him; he was genuinely interested and would not stop until my husband, my mom, step-dad and I recounted some detailed story. I later heard him ask my husband, can we get a book on "falling"? Oh, I love him and his little curious 4-year-old mind...

I think I have nothing to worry about......

Life Changing Books and Movies

A must watch to understand the whole middle east conflict. You can see it on YouTube!

Can make you furious. Incredibly moving; charged with great facts. 

I read this while coming of age.....Amazing book. 

Changed the way I see this world. Saved all my relationships. 

LOVE this book.....I keep it near my bed. 

I read this book so many times, I need to get a new copy. 

Essential for all. I will read this to my kids when they are old enough. Comes in 2 parts. 

Naomi Wolf......smartest woman I know....A mother, an activist....

You have to read this book.....

Introduced me to feminist ideas.....

I enjoy life more now thanks to this book.....an absolute MUST READ

Eastern Beliefs in My LIfe

          Eastern belief systems speak to me in so many more ways than all other religions combined.  I grew up in a Catholic home and went to a Catholic girl's high school in NYC, yet I never felt those beliefs fit me. Life experiences only further strengthened my realization that these Catholic-based beliefs did not emerge from me naturally. In fact, these experiences delivered me to Eastern-based beliefs and have come to further reinforce their usefulness and immense need in today's troubled world. 

         One of these many pivotal moments, happened in Catholic school. A teacher, whose name escapes me,  was telling some story about God.  She described how people trembled when they saw God.  This fact puzzled me for I had no knowledge of this "scary" god and raised my hand and asked, "why would people tremble at the sight of God? Is he not a loving God?".  Needless to say, she was frustrated at my questioning of this FACT. Too much of this type of reasoning escaped me, suffice it to say that these strict and disparaging definitions of God were fundamentally at odds with my soul and what I knew God to be for me. Oddly enough, it was in this school's World Religions Class where I first learned of Buddhism and what a breath of fresh air that was. 

         In addition to this class in high school, I was introduced to general Eastern beliefs through watching Kung Fu as a child.  This is not a joke. In watching this TV show as a very young child, I readily absorbed those simple, yet powerful messages such as "suffering is caused by attachments" or how the true nature of things may not be what I believe them to be.  Too bad TV has lost it's fascination with all things Eastern, now it's all bottom-of-the-barrel reality shows that have Americans glued to the tube. 

        When I came upon Buddhism through reading late Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche's Cutting Through Spiritualism Materialism (among other books of his) I was convinced this was for me.  It felt as if all along I had been thinking and living the ideas he so beautifully captured.  You can find excepts from this timeless book at WWW.sacred-texts.com. I read other great books about Eastern beliefs from authors like Thich Nhat Hanh, Pema Chodron,  Stephen Mitchell, The Dalai Lama.  

          I do not meditate unless while walking.  I do not chant or know any chants, I do not know of or observe Buddhist Holidays. I DO live in the moment when I go about my daily chores and simply live out each task without rushing to the next. I try my best to not define my role and the nature of my relationships in any conventional standards that may limit them from their true nature.  Looking at life through Buddhist beliefs reveals the richness of life. Everyday tasks, which most people rush to finish in order to get to the "real living", become magical clear colorful awake moments.  I do not cling to labels of me. Although, I am a mother, an artist, a wife, a daughter, a teacher...I do not follow blindly the conventional sets of "tasks" these roles require. Last, my stuff (or lack thereof ) does not define me. 

          To end, I have one great little piece of a story I remember from a letter-to-the-editor written to one of those popular Buddhist magazines; might have been Shambhala or Tricycle. A mom had written a funny note about how her toddler had eaten this paper Buddha image she had very much valued. In the end,  I aim to do as the toddler did; absorb the Buddha's message, enough to allow me to connect with all of humanity and to see me in everyone.  Sadly and too often, people use their beliefs as a shallow, externally-based tool used to raise themselves above or separate themselves from others. If the "me-versus-the-world" approach rises in any believer it's not a feeling borne out of strength, kindness or compassion, it rises out of one's feeling of lacking. Shouldn't one of spirituality's goal be to make you more available, more open to all of God's creatures? 

          We are on vacation in Virginia. Have to go catch the continental breakfast.  Have a great day!!