7/6/09

How Movies About LOVE and LOVERS Ruin Relationships....



I love my husband.
Now.... he's not the romantic type...in fact he's not at all romantic.....
He's never bought me flowers except for once, has no idea how to go about buying a gift for someone, and sometimes does not even remember REALLY important dates.....unless reminded.

But having grown up more of a realist and shunning all things cheesy and over-the-top I have never really thought "romantic" men desirable at all. In fact just the opposite has been my experience. Deep inside I always thought, "If they have to try so hard, then they are not being themselves." Just as I've always thought myself most beautiful without makeup for its truth and honesty about what I really look like, I have always valued the bare truth over false facades of all kinds.... This "suspicion" of all skewed representation of self extended even to the way they chose to live, dress, even who they'd talk to. The showy-er the man the more unattractive they seemed to me.

If you watch a lot of movies about love and lovers though you can easily come to think such a relationship where a man is not constantly pouring his love onto you is not worth saving, and indignantly move on in search for greener pastures. This is very sad, for movies have a way of setting up these fictitious, unnatural and unrealistic expectations for all our relationships creating unnecessary tension. We never stop to ask, will a man who loves us to "death" really make us happy? Or, in true love, does intensity really have a place? As taught in nature, suns that burn hottest die faster. If love is felt intensely, then can it really be love? In that case, where does the laundry fall in this intense world of love?

Okay ladies, perhaps there is a guy out there who knows just the right combination of poetic words to say after an argument, or one that can plan a 4-course dinner and bring you flowers on your anniversary date and somehow manage to make it all a surprise. But if you create a tight list of MUSTS and SHOULDS, you miss out on the list of existing gifts your mate already possesses. For example, my husband does all the laundry in the house, even rinses out Nora's washable poop diapers by hand and does it many times a week. He's the only man I know among my family who actually sits and plays with his kids (for hours too)....not just 20 minutes as you rush to pass them on to someone else. He's always the one to load all the food perfectly in our bags when we food shop, has more patience than a saint and is the more self assured person I know. These are just a few gifts I've discovered in my relationship and in remaining open and without my tight list of MUSTs and SHOULDS, I find more and more gifts daily.

Aside from what the movies say, love does NOT HAVE TO come wrapped in roses and poems. Let's drop all preset expectations and start seeing people outside of boxes and labels. A new world will reveal itself ....If you are open to accept what is or not there without a battle....you might be pleasantly surprised at what you find.

I am not saying to let go off all expectations. Obviously the man must respect you, and love you and vice versa....but love has many forms and sometimes we crave the type of love that burns intensely, like in the movies.

With this said, I have come to learn that in marriage, as in any relationship, we must fall in love twice for it to work out....FIRST we fall in love with the person we think we know, then SECOND (and this is the one that will make it or break it)....we must fall in love with the person they really are....

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