8/10/09

Going Home.....

The topic of home and what we all consider home has been on my mind a lot lately.
Yesterday my daughter Nora started crying as we were walking back to our apartment, "Home" she cried in the frustrating 100-degree DC heat. As she sees that we are approaching our new apartment building she whines, "No, Home!" I realized then that she meant our old home where we used to live with Lela and Lelo and it broke my heart to know of her little 2-year old self yearning for something she could not have. It was going to be a request I could not fulfill....
The concept of home does not necessarily have to mean a space. I then began thinking of the concept of people who symbolize "home". Close friends and family whose love envelops you with warmth, acceptance and provide total safety and radiate love in all they do. My mom is one of those people to me. Her love, as the love of all mothers, is so pure and unconditional, you can't help but to feel so blessed in the presence of such showers of acceptance.
In the 850 sq. foot apartment we have been creating a home for ourselves. This space would allow a place for movement, dancing, playing, lounging, sleeping, eating, creating, etc...these spaces are the foundations of our new home. Figuring out our priorities was the first step. We wanted the kids close by, we wanted a space for guests to be able to come stay, I wanted a space to create and a large open space for the kids to have access to their blocks and animals. It resulted in the kids' toys taking up half the living room, we are in the process of setting up the extra bedroom for guests and kids have their beds in our bedroom, one on each side of our giant family bed. Although we would prefer a house with a backyard, this would have to do for a year or two. We will make it as much of a home as we could despite the lack of nature which we prefer.

Next, the concept of being at home in my own body. I have been working out my body hard lately. The apartment has a free gym....or should I say, "gem". Now I have no excuse for not working out. How I have allowed myself to become so overweight is a mystery and one that I am working hard to correct. Yet, aside from my own frustration with my body, I do love it and appreciate all it does. I recall Katie Byron asking of one of her workshop participants, "what is right about your body?" and claiming that "no one else could carry that body..only you". I have a very strong body. When laboring with Nora for over a literally week I was able to withstand a enormous amount of laboring and non-sleep. My husband, who works out daily and is super healthy, was having a hard time keeping up...he needed his sleep and simply could not function without it. I am blessed to have all my parts and all my parts working. For that alone is reason to rejoice.
As a person I aim to make people feel at home with me. I aim to disarm whatever preconceptions and insecurities they feel when in my presence. I have learned that the only way to accomplish this is through accepting yourself fully and in every way being at home with yourself. That way you do not bring any of your own baggage to the table. I use to be incredibly reactive to people's moods and energies. I would as much as sense a person in an off mood and soak it up and personalize it as if the entire world had to be about me. It was horrible. I went around claiming to be "sensitive" and warning the world of my spongy quality. Through hard work, I have observed that all, not even some....all people's moods have nothing to do with me..NOTHING. I now no longer absorb these negative energies. I simply see them for what they are.....personal to them. In this way I aim to take "home" wherever I am. In the spirit of Gandhi, I will be the "home" I wish to see in this world.

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