Fern Obsession

DATING RED FLAGS!!!!!

I've been helping my friend with relationship issues and accumulated some Dating Red Flags online. I thought it could help others who might need help figuring out what some of these are. Sorry I do not have the resource sources listed. But I'm sure you could google the exact sentences and get the source. 

 * I've finally realized that no matter how gorgeous and alluring the new stranger is, you have to quit when a red flag goes up. As soon as it goes up.
* When you pick someone who is too far from you on the continuum, you’ll be fighting a painful, losing battle because your fundamental ideas about what a relationship should look like will be too different. And don’t trick yourself into thinking that these things will change. That’s a mistake people make all the time. Instead, take the time to carefully assess this dimension in any potential partner. Your future relationship satisfaction depends on it!!
* "A man is who he is by his 16th birthday. Don't enter a relationship expecting him to change, because he won't, even if it is better for him and he knows it. And if he DOES seem to change, he'll only revert back the moment you let up, and he'll only resent you the whole time you are trying to get him to change. It's not worth it."
* She/He engages and disengages without warning. For example, every time you take her out you have a great time and a lot of fun but then she barely returns your calls, or takes several days to return them. You end up calling first because you have fun together but you find yourself in a chase mode with no indication of whether or not she's willing to be caught. This is not courting, this is a game of control and dysfunctional interaction usually dominated by someone who has mental health issues. This person is good at yo yo-ing you're emotions and making you question yourself. Bottom line...they're users.
* He makes it clear that he doesn't want you talking about him to anyone else.
* He vacillates from day-to-day or week to week as to whether he wants to be in a relationship or not.
* His life is ambiguous. You never really feel like you "know" him. You may meet his family once, and friends occasionally, but you always feel like he's hiding something. He never really explains any of his past in detail. And, if he does, it's only when he's explaining his way out of something. I.E. "I'm the victim, and here's why."
* On the first date, he tells you he thinks he could fall in love with you, and/or wants to marry you and he'll convert to your religion because "you are the one", etc...
* Despite his obvious mental angst [or perhaps because of it...] he completely rejects the idea of professional therapy as a sham, preferring to confide in YOU, because, well, YOU are so much better at understanding him and his troubled life than some overpaid professional "quack."
* He/she has an elevated tension level consistently. Tries to paint the inability to relax as a positive character trait.
* says things like "I see in you the woman you can be (/become)", in combination with his love declarations. (This sounds very romantic in the beginning, as if he wants to help you grow, or develop, or god knows what you make of it, but in fact it means: I see flaws in how you are now and I am going to do something about "fixing" you)
* He and you grew up differently- him from a traditional "old world" style family- and you a "Americanized" family- and he wants you to behave/dress/talk more conservative (like his mother- a lifelong homemaker).
* He does something REALLY inconsiderate and/or discourteous, and no matter how calmly you try to talk to him about it, he JUST DOESN'T SEEM TO UNDERSTAND why you are hurt or upset. You find yourself having to explain concepts of basic courtesy to him. He insists that you are overreacting, being too sensitive, or uses some other implication that there must be something wrong with you. Even if he DOES apologize, you leave the conversation never really feeling like things were actually resolved. Never feeling like he really understood or accepted that his actions were inappropriate or hurtful.
* He says things like "I just want to be good for someone. I just want to be good for YOU." Don't let it tug at your heart-strings. Don't think it means he's REALLY working on his stuff - it means he's so filled with self-hate that he's been an ass to everyone else in his past, and he thinks that he can feel good about himself if he finds the "right" woman. He's searching for salvation through YOU instead of working on his shit himself, and it won't work. It didn't work in the past with all the other women and you are just another kick at the can for him.
* 
    1. He just *leaves* a party or function you went to with him, without telling you (or anyone else) he is leaving, or where he is going.
* He/she talks about looking for a "soul mate" or "someone to complete me".
* He remembers EVERY mistake you ever made, and brings them up long after you apologized (and made reparation), in order to justify HIS bad behavior ("Well YOU did X... and I'm still hurting from it..."). OR he uses those old hurts as excuses for his "depression"
* (for guys in their 30's and 40's) He has NO relationship with his ex-partners, in fact, they want NOTHING to do with him. If he isn't friends with at least a couple of his ex-partners (especially the long-term significant ones), and talks with them socially periodically (over more than issues with their kids), then watch out.
* He seems like a "lost puppy" in need of care. (Get help for yourself for even being attracted.)    1. 
* Experience extreme mood swings. . .tell you you’re the greatest one minute and rip you apart the next minute.
* He/She wants to get married before you have known each other for more than 1-2 years and haven't even lived together yet. It takes at least 1.5yrs for the "hormone rush" of infatuation to wear off, and the true colours to start to emerge, depending on how quickly you individuate away from the "joined at the hip" phase.
* He starts doing things incongruent with the person you THOUGHT you first got to know. People are always on their best behavior during the "courtship" phase. If that behavior starts to degrade and change into little nasty digs, or lies, or other forms of abuse, DITCH him before it gets worse. Don't wait around hoping the the guy you first fell in love with is going to resurface - that was obviously a False Image designed to hook you.
* On the other hand, if he/she does not want to be touched even though you have dated exclusively for several months, you just might ask if physical intimacy will ever be a consideration.
* Trying to develop a meaningful relationship with someone who is too self-absorbed or overly involved with their businesses or personal interests will result in loneliness.  
* 
* He seems "too good to be true" - he probably IS (not TRUE, that is).
* He is constantly "down" and has a variety of excuses - his back hurts, he doesn't get enough light, you are keeping him awake at night so he doesn't get enough sleep, he hasn't had enough to eat that day, etc.
* You *clearly* and openly state your expectations and needs, in a calm and caring fashion, you are told that you are being "controlling" or "manipulative" or "too sensitive".
* Someone who has been previously married may be still be seriously affected by unresolved issues (old baggage).  Also, one's past, parents, and previous relationships can negatively impact how they relate to others. 
* Does his/her religious views place any uncomfortable limitations on a relationship?  Is their approach to the things of life too conservative for you?  On the other hand, does he/she hold liberal views that are just too far to the left for you to be able to tolerate?  Whoever said that politics and religion should not be discussed amongst couples may have set a lot of people up for eventual failure in their primary relationships. 
* People who truly love each other want to be with each other as much as possible.  If your boy/girlfriend has one excuse after another as to why they are not available to you, then you might look elsewhere.  Either they are not really interested in you or you simply need more attention.  You can't make someone want to be with you.  It has to come naturally and be obvious. 
* 
* His/her whole social life revolves around his/her parents.
*  He has no kids, no pets, no fish, not even any plants. If the only thing that lives in his place other than him is the mold in the back of his fridge, he’s a non-starter. A guy who can’t even commit to keeping a spider plant alive does not have what it takes to keep a relationship alive.
* You find yourself crying a lot, being depressed or unhappy.
*  He has no kids, no pets, no fish, not even any plants. If the only thing that lives in his place other than him is the mold in the back of his fridge, he’s a non-starter. A guy who can’t even commit to keeping a spider plant alive does not have what it takes to keep a relationship alive.
* Fantasizing about the future:While men are typically (not always) the masters of game playing, women have this one down pat. When you catch yourself trying on his last name before the third date, it's time to remind yourself to slow down. In the first 3-6 months of a relationship, you are likely running on oxytocin, which is a chemical found in chocolate. It creates the sense of well-being and euphoria that comes with “falling in love.” This might as well be dubbed the period of temporary insanity, because you are not in command of all your faculties; your brain is hijacked by those lovely chemicals, interfering with your ability to think clearly. Until you have time to really get to know someone, and see him or her in a wide range of situations, it is helpful to not get ahead of yourself; don't strongly attach to some illusion that you have created about the person. This can lead to pitfalls of setting up unrealistic expectations and subsequent
disillusionment, or depression if the relationship doesn't work out.
* Obsessing over details:
This one is common with those who worry. The worry may be a general habit, but now it is turned on the subject of the relationship: worry about what the other person said, worry about what they meant by it, worry about how you reacted, worry about the relationship not working out, worry about what if it does work out, how will your parents react…on and on. Being anxious is a mood killer, and will not make you attractive to a potential mate. But don't go worrying about that! Try to tap into your self-confidence and trust that if the relationship is meant to work out, it will.
* Rush in, rush out:
Are you reckless in love? Do you plunge into the deep end, only to find that the water is way too cold? Then this one's for you. Getting overly involved too soon is a big red flag. If you do it, then you need to pace yourself, and be more considerate of the other person, who you are probably leading on. If you fall for those who do it, then you need to slow things down and not get taken for a ride (or pursue a different type!).

* On the first date, already talks about marriage or kids. (This is even out on the 2nd or 3rd date)

Medicines all around us....

While feeding the goats alfalfa a few weeks back at the Queens County Farm Museum in NYC, I mentioned to my 4 year old that mom too had alfalfa.  When pregnant, I too had alfalfa in pill form (which is made from alfalfa) to stop my ankles from swelling. 

This admission started a curious new obsession for him. He now collects weeds from when we go on walks and bring them home and pretends to make tea with them. Of course we do not drink it. But I immediately placed orders online to borrow books about medicinal plants for us to look through from our most amazing local library system. We also collected all the familiar weeds from the area, photographed them and then pressed them to  make a book later. This is very exciting. Now for the not-so-easy-job of identifying them all. 

You recognize any of these?

Great Buddhist Quotes Relevant to My life This Week

Pay no attention to the faults of others, 

things done or left undone by others. 

Consider only what by oneself is done or left undone

I have been a little too concerned about what other moms are doing right/wrong. There must be something in my own parenting I do not want to focus on.....will focus on my own family and stop judging people I know nothing about....a waste of time and energy and not very productive. 

One of his students asked Buddha, "Are you the messiah?"
"No", answered Buddha. 
"Then are you a healer?"
"No", Buddha replied. 
"Then are you a teacher?" the student persisted. 
"No, I am not a teacher."
"Then what are you?" asked the student, exasperated. 
"I am awake", Buddha replied.

The challenge of parenting comes in the struggle to stay present. Once you 

are not fighting being there you begin to reap the gifts of your true presence.

Like yesterday, at the park I noticed Nora trying hard to vary the ways she goes down

the slide. I would have missed it had I been focused elsewhere....

Is this The New Face of Parenting?? HOPEFULLY NOT

You can purchase a copy of this Limited edition signed print at my Esty store

I was just at the park and there was a woman there with a child similar in age to Nora. Nora and I always like it when we see other kids in the park. She's a very social child and I love watching her try to socialize with kids of all ages. Sadly, the mother had both earphones on her ears and was fiddling with her Ipod the entire time she was at the park; which was about 25 minutes. The daughter kept trying to talk to her, but she was so absorbed by her music that she never answered. The mother also had a niece there at the park ( who was around 8 years old) who began playing with 3 other children (not related to her) in very  inappropriate ways. Like one kid was trying to pull the pants off another boy. And three of them were throwing some mean words to one another out loud. The mother never even looked up as these kids were almost getting into wrestling mat matches on the ground. 

This mentality of "oh well, I can blip out now, for they are behaving" is so detrimental. Raising a child requires more than you just making sure they are fed.......and clothed. Raising a child requires that you are PRESENT.....emotionally, physically, 100%.  

I am also really concerned about how these technological gadgets are beginning to take such a priority in people's lives all around me. It's almost as if they have taken over real living.  I felt terrible for this little girl who kept trying to get her mom's attention....but a stupid gadget was priority. 

At the same park the day before......we again met another little girl with accompanied by her mother. Nora went right over to them and they played together. Just as we were about to leave I was about to ask the mom if she's like to have a play date. I stopped dead in my tracks when I realized that her husband who she joined as she too was walking out of the park,  was the young man I had spotted smoking pot before coming to the park. The saddest thing was seeing this father, obviously and totally stoned out holding their other child, a 4-month-old. 

I feel so blessed in my life and want to absorb all the gifts my kids have to offer.....their smiles, their funny comments, even their tantrums are blessed and  bring you back to reality. 

I once read that when you give 100% of yourself to a child...you are teaching them that they are fun to be with.....if other things.....THINGS (like Ipods, texts, drugs) are priority then how are they ever to think themselves as valued member of society. 

When Chris and I go out to the park or the beach with the kids.....we don't talk on the phone, text.....sometimes I don't even photograph for more than a few minutes.....going out with them should be a fun experience.....which brings me to the fact that we are leaving to the Redwoods next week. I cannot wait to enjoy every minute of our family adventure. 

 

They love you until the ratings dry out, then they try to bring you down!

Can Phelps recover?

Phelps beaten for second straight day

Michael Phelps Loses Again At Charlotte

Michael Phelps Now Officially on a Losing Streak, 2 in a Row

The media....they love you at first...but when that stops bringing in the ratings, they love to bring you down.....

Now check out some titles for the cast of Jon and Kate Plus Eight:

Jon and Kate Plus 8: Who's cheating on whom?

'Jon & Kate Plus 8' heading for divorce?

As I say, 

The media....they love you at first...but when that stops bringing in the ratings, they love to bring you down.....

Recesssion, Pandemic and ......Abortion#*@? and other issues....

Of all the things President Obama could be addressing right now, he's addressing abortion? Can we worry about the suffering and the living please! We are in the middle of a recession where millions are without jobs and more coming, we are facing a possible pandemic where thousands could be affected and die and he's addressing abortion....and at a graduation! I am pro-choice all the way but this is not the time to address this issue.....there are more pressing issues I would love to see addressed. 100% of the people I know and am associated with are not sitting around thinking about abortion......most people I know are worried about retaining their jobs or finding one....

As a point aside, I read some article about his speech on Yahoo News and saw that the rowdy protester was interviewed for the article. That is simply unfair. When thousands of protesters stood around for days in front of the Republican Convention in 2008 I did not read one interview of these people in the mainstream news.....not one.....they were simply referred to as the protesters and there was some mention of police riot gear, but no luxury of an interview!!! The media tries to show us how these people protesting are the majority, yet I'd seriously question that facade.  

Now there is a handful of rude protesters who break in to a commencement, call the President of the United States a "baby killer" and they get coverage!!.....and they have the gaul to call the media a liberal media...please! Who is dumb enough to believe that! Here is the 2-second moment of fame for this gal who by the way does not sound too bright. Her comment is annoyingly typical of what most people who dislike Obama has to say about him.....it's always some fictional character -flaw they and they alone see in him....hey, If you are going to disagree with the man you could at least address the issues, and not his character.

One of the protesters at Notre Dame, Jill Stanek, an anti-abortion blogger who did not support Obama, said

“It was just a regurgitation of things he’s said for a long time,” Stanek said. “He’s so good at expressing your point of view, so people are lulled into thinking he agrees

with them, and he doesn’t. It’s just so typical Barack Obama.”