Do you know how to find a true FRIEND match?

                          I have not posted for some time. Now it's summer vacation and being a teacher I have a lot more free time. Don't hate me please, it's been a very tough, and yet amazing first year at my new job and I need the rest badly. Funny thing about being a mom though, no matter how much free time you have, not much of it is left over for you at the end of the day regardless. But I am back....!! will try to write daily again, but may not meet that goal seeing as I now have two blogs, the other being a running blog; running being my newfound love!! check it out here. 

                         I have been thinking a lot about girlfriends this week. A day ago, I got a return call from one of my oldest friends (we've been friends for 20 years) while driving and in 25 minutes we had such a deep, inspiring and soul-feeding conversation. After our chat, I walked away feeling reconnected to the world, just so grateful to have a friend I could share new revelations with, new life lessons. And just today, I accidentally run into a new friend, a mom, at the park and we too had such a great sharing conversation.  Let me not forget two days before that, my daughter had a play date and immediately I hit it off with with the mom, who also happens to be a runner. I could not be more excited to talk about my favorite subject, running; I was in heaven.

                      Part of the reason I was so excited about this new revelation about friendships was that it took me this long to figure out that the secret to good friendships is in how the conversations make you feel. I grew up always feeling the odd one out amongst peers. In high school, I always felt surrounded by girls who'd prefer to chat about clothing brands and celebrities. In the later years, I still struggled to find my niche amongst women, my tribe if you may. Where are the women who reflect, who talk about politics, who dream big dreams, who create with their hands or their minds and who question and ponder? I have found that these amazing women naturally gravitate towards you once you become that woman. Only in steadily being me, regardless of what type of crowd I was in, did I begin to find others like me. All of the sudden I am surrounded by awe-inspiring women, I feel beyond blessed.

                        If the conversations with a potential friend makes you feel totally drained and your energy totally zapped out, perhaps this is not a good match for you. If you have little in common, perhaps it's not a good match. If all you do is give, give, give and the conversation lacks a general balance of caring exchange, again, perhaps this person is not a good match for you, and THAT is perfectly okay.  One very helpful mantra I picked up lately, from somewhere, is 'I'm not a public service'. Typically, I would feel ultra guilty not extending myself out to everyone and anyone who needed me, but, I have found that I am a better mom, a better friend, a better wife if I honor my own limits. If talking to someone drains me and makes me feel uneasy, devalued and used, I have the obligation to honor my feelings before I honor theirs....why? Because I am not a public service.  

                       


                       

                     

This year's lessons

                                This year has just been full of new lessons for me, I feel like I've gone back to college, but am actually paying attention this time. It's been like a really easy AP course on life, what an adventure. I wanted to share a few of the ideas I am playing with at the moment.

                                 First, there is this idea of spreading your energy. I got this idea from the great book, Notes From the Universe. The book talks about how your thoughts and actions affect every single being on this planet. Mind you, this phenomenon apparently happens even when you are not even attempting to consciously affect others. Imagine then what would happen if we actually consciously generated every thought, every action, every feeling with this idea that it's energy is going to be spread and expanded to the whole earth, heck, the whole universe. Oh yes, the book also urges you to not try to be logical about it. I too was trying to think in logical terms and about the impossibility of such a theory. But just Friday, I was invited to a 4th grade class party and the first mom I introduced myself to told me right off she could not eat the muffins at the party for she was juicing!!! Of all the parents there, me, the juicer ends up talking to another juicer, thoughts do materialize. Absolutely, our thoughts drive our world, every single solid 'thing' we see or experience or touch very much started as a formless thought in someone's head. So now, every time I have a wonderful, loving feeling or thought I imagine it as pure energy and visualize it growing and spreading out to there as a gift to whomever, whatever.... whether anyone knows it or not.

                                   Second, I am feeling beyond blessed this season. I made the most difficult choice in years of changing my job situation this past spring and after spending all summer agonizing, crying, staying up all night internally debating if I had, in fact, made a good decision, I look back now and think, 'how could I have even debated!!?' I could not have possibly asked for a better job situation; it's truly a gift from the Universe. In addition, I am also feeling blessed for all my past struggles, for my misfortunes, for the tears, the pain, the tragedies. I have various friends who are right now going through struggles and hope my words will bring some comfort. In my life, every single struggle has later revealed itself to be a wonderful, shining new beginning. You have no idea how amazing this will turn out girlfriend, and all you have to do is be yourself in the most honest, genuine way you could muster.

                                   The awesome power of inspiration as a driver of life is the next big idea I'm toying with. As an art teacher I always teach my little artists that inspiration can come from everywhere, and anywhere....that all artists, even use each others work and ides as inspiration to push forth their own work. What I always forget to mention, in addition to this, is that in regular LIFE people inspire each other all the time as well. Every single change I have ever made in my life has begun from a tiny seed planted via thought and spurred on by personal inspiration. My blind belief in the sheer power of inspiration is so strong that I also feel that negative inspiration, as positive, can be easily spread through this method just as easily. The ideas and thoughts we put in our minds turn to reality soon after, so choose carefully.


                                   So those are just a few things brewing in my world right now as the Holiday approaches. There are a few others I will post later, but this is all I can write in one sitting. This time of year I am busy generating ideas and lists for my New Years resolutions, which I take very seriously every year. Resolutions are great vehicles for setting new habits in motion in our lives and in order to be successful at my goals I need to choose them carefully.  In the meantime, wishing you all some wonderful, loving thoughts.

Be yourself and live Fearlessly- Message from the other side

                   I am been thinking a lot about the special message received by Anita Moorjani, Author of Dying to be Me, after she died and came back to life. The message she received was simple and beautiful. but certainly much more complicated than I am about to describe. Essentially, the meaning of life as she was told is to 'always be yourself and live fearlessly'. She was also told during this near-death-experience that her cancer was due to having lived a life of 'fear'. Fear of disappointing, fear of fitting in, fear of dying, fear of not being enough.
   
                    Live fearlessly. As an art teacher who loves her job and who works daily to encourage not only her students, but everyone around her to just to be the very best versions of themselves, I think I am on the right track. In reflecting further though, I think it's only recently that I started living fearlessly. Only a few years back I sensed in me remaining lots of 'worth' issues, and this constant need to be what others felt I should be, rather than what I wanted myself to be. I could have easily gone along life like so many and never reflect on these big questions. Like a great friend said to me yesterday, "You can easily be 70 and have never dealt with any of your issues."

                    My self-reflective journey began with a small little seed of ideas planted in a TV show. It began by watching episodes of Kung Fu in the early 80s. Much to my family's unknowing I was slowly being trained into the basic tenets of Eastern religion and to some really valuable and life-changing concepts that would shape the rest of my life. The ideas embedded in these shows were those of having this inner knowing, the ideas of your external actions reflecting your inner self, the idea of 'working on yourself', and last, the idea that you already have all you need to be perfect. As I grew I always navigated towards authors and books that reflected those early ideas that always made so much sense to me, they spoke to my soul. I read and navigated towards books and authors that described god as love and rejected all books and religions that maintained a dysfunctional humanistic and angry versions of our god. Dysfunction, hatred, anger are all imperfect qualities and I knew deep in my hart that god was love. In love there is no room for these lesser human-made frequencies. Books became my teacher, these authors were my role models. To this day, I read books that help me change my life, make me improve my ideas and make me a better version of who I already am. To me it was never enough to just read the big name books of major religions, such as the Bible, The Torah, The Koran. I always felt that these do not have to be one's only or one's primary source of inner-reflection books. There are literally hundreds of amazing sources of inspiration out there that can be transformative and life-changing. Which one has changed your life?

                   

DATING RED FLAGS!!!!!

I've been helping my friend with relationship issues and accumulated some Dating Red Flags online. I thought it could help others who might need help figuring out what some of these are. Sorry I do not have the resource sources listed. But I'm sure you could google the exact sentences and get the source. 

 * I've finally realized that no matter how gorgeous and alluring the new stranger is, you have to quit when a red flag goes up. As soon as it goes up.
* When you pick someone who is too far from you on the continuum, you’ll be fighting a painful, losing battle because your fundamental ideas about what a relationship should look like will be too different. And don’t trick yourself into thinking that these things will change. That’s a mistake people make all the time. Instead, take the time to carefully assess this dimension in any potential partner. Your future relationship satisfaction depends on it!!
* "A man is who he is by his 16th birthday. Don't enter a relationship expecting him to change, because he won't, even if it is better for him and he knows it. And if he DOES seem to change, he'll only revert back the moment you let up, and he'll only resent you the whole time you are trying to get him to change. It's not worth it."
* She/He engages and disengages without warning. For example, every time you take her out you have a great time and a lot of fun but then she barely returns your calls, or takes several days to return them. You end up calling first because you have fun together but you find yourself in a chase mode with no indication of whether or not she's willing to be caught. This is not courting, this is a game of control and dysfunctional interaction usually dominated by someone who has mental health issues. This person is good at yo yo-ing you're emotions and making you question yourself. Bottom line...they're users.
* He makes it clear that he doesn't want you talking about him to anyone else.
* He vacillates from day-to-day or week to week as to whether he wants to be in a relationship or not.
* His life is ambiguous. You never really feel like you "know" him. You may meet his family once, and friends occasionally, but you always feel like he's hiding something. He never really explains any of his past in detail. And, if he does, it's only when he's explaining his way out of something. I.E. "I'm the victim, and here's why."
* On the first date, he tells you he thinks he could fall in love with you, and/or wants to marry you and he'll convert to your religion because "you are the one", etc...
* Despite his obvious mental angst [or perhaps because of it...] he completely rejects the idea of professional therapy as a sham, preferring to confide in YOU, because, well, YOU are so much better at understanding him and his troubled life than some overpaid professional "quack."
* He/she has an elevated tension level consistently. Tries to paint the inability to relax as a positive character trait.
* says things like "I see in you the woman you can be (/become)", in combination with his love declarations. (This sounds very romantic in the beginning, as if he wants to help you grow, or develop, or god knows what you make of it, but in fact it means: I see flaws in how you are now and I am going to do something about "fixing" you)
* He and you grew up differently- him from a traditional "old world" style family- and you a "Americanized" family- and he wants you to behave/dress/talk more conservative (like his mother- a lifelong homemaker).
* He does something REALLY inconsiderate and/or discourteous, and no matter how calmly you try to talk to him about it, he JUST DOESN'T SEEM TO UNDERSTAND why you are hurt or upset. You find yourself having to explain concepts of basic courtesy to him. He insists that you are overreacting, being too sensitive, or uses some other implication that there must be something wrong with you. Even if he DOES apologize, you leave the conversation never really feeling like things were actually resolved. Never feeling like he really understood or accepted that his actions were inappropriate or hurtful.
* He says things like "I just want to be good for someone. I just want to be good for YOU." Don't let it tug at your heart-strings. Don't think it means he's REALLY working on his stuff - it means he's so filled with self-hate that he's been an ass to everyone else in his past, and he thinks that he can feel good about himself if he finds the "right" woman. He's searching for salvation through YOU instead of working on his shit himself, and it won't work. It didn't work in the past with all the other women and you are just another kick at the can for him.
* 
    1. He just *leaves* a party or function you went to with him, without telling you (or anyone else) he is leaving, or where he is going.
* He/she talks about looking for a "soul mate" or "someone to complete me".
* He remembers EVERY mistake you ever made, and brings them up long after you apologized (and made reparation), in order to justify HIS bad behavior ("Well YOU did X... and I'm still hurting from it..."). OR he uses those old hurts as excuses for his "depression"
* (for guys in their 30's and 40's) He has NO relationship with his ex-partners, in fact, they want NOTHING to do with him. If he isn't friends with at least a couple of his ex-partners (especially the long-term significant ones), and talks with them socially periodically (over more than issues with their kids), then watch out.
* He seems like a "lost puppy" in need of care. (Get help for yourself for even being attracted.)    1. 
* Experience extreme mood swings. . .tell you you’re the greatest one minute and rip you apart the next minute.
* He/She wants to get married before you have known each other for more than 1-2 years and haven't even lived together yet. It takes at least 1.5yrs for the "hormone rush" of infatuation to wear off, and the true colours to start to emerge, depending on how quickly you individuate away from the "joined at the hip" phase.
* He starts doing things incongruent with the person you THOUGHT you first got to know. People are always on their best behavior during the "courtship" phase. If that behavior starts to degrade and change into little nasty digs, or lies, or other forms of abuse, DITCH him before it gets worse. Don't wait around hoping the the guy you first fell in love with is going to resurface - that was obviously a False Image designed to hook you.
* On the other hand, if he/she does not want to be touched even though you have dated exclusively for several months, you just might ask if physical intimacy will ever be a consideration.
* Trying to develop a meaningful relationship with someone who is too self-absorbed or overly involved with their businesses or personal interests will result in loneliness.  
* 
* He seems "too good to be true" - he probably IS (not TRUE, that is).
* He is constantly "down" and has a variety of excuses - his back hurts, he doesn't get enough light, you are keeping him awake at night so he doesn't get enough sleep, he hasn't had enough to eat that day, etc.
* You *clearly* and openly state your expectations and needs, in a calm and caring fashion, you are told that you are being "controlling" or "manipulative" or "too sensitive".
* Someone who has been previously married may be still be seriously affected by unresolved issues (old baggage).  Also, one's past, parents, and previous relationships can negatively impact how they relate to others. 
* Does his/her religious views place any uncomfortable limitations on a relationship?  Is their approach to the things of life too conservative for you?  On the other hand, does he/she hold liberal views that are just too far to the left for you to be able to tolerate?  Whoever said that politics and religion should not be discussed amongst couples may have set a lot of people up for eventual failure in their primary relationships. 
* People who truly love each other want to be with each other as much as possible.  If your boy/girlfriend has one excuse after another as to why they are not available to you, then you might look elsewhere.  Either they are not really interested in you or you simply need more attention.  You can't make someone want to be with you.  It has to come naturally and be obvious. 
* 
* His/her whole social life revolves around his/her parents.
*  He has no kids, no pets, no fish, not even any plants. If the only thing that lives in his place other than him is the mold in the back of his fridge, he’s a non-starter. A guy who can’t even commit to keeping a spider plant alive does not have what it takes to keep a relationship alive.
* You find yourself crying a lot, being depressed or unhappy.
*  He has no kids, no pets, no fish, not even any plants. If the only thing that lives in his place other than him is the mold in the back of his fridge, he’s a non-starter. A guy who can’t even commit to keeping a spider plant alive does not have what it takes to keep a relationship alive.
* Fantasizing about the future:While men are typically (not always) the masters of game playing, women have this one down pat. When you catch yourself trying on his last name before the third date, it's time to remind yourself to slow down. In the first 3-6 months of a relationship, you are likely running on oxytocin, which is a chemical found in chocolate. It creates the sense of well-being and euphoria that comes with “falling in love.” This might as well be dubbed the period of temporary insanity, because you are not in command of all your faculties; your brain is hijacked by those lovely chemicals, interfering with your ability to think clearly. Until you have time to really get to know someone, and see him or her in a wide range of situations, it is helpful to not get ahead of yourself; don't strongly attach to some illusion that you have created about the person. This can lead to pitfalls of setting up unrealistic expectations and subsequent
disillusionment, or depression if the relationship doesn't work out.
* Obsessing over details:
This one is common with those who worry. The worry may be a general habit, but now it is turned on the subject of the relationship: worry about what the other person said, worry about what they meant by it, worry about how you reacted, worry about the relationship not working out, worry about what if it does work out, how will your parents react…on and on. Being anxious is a mood killer, and will not make you attractive to a potential mate. But don't go worrying about that! Try to tap into your self-confidence and trust that if the relationship is meant to work out, it will.
* Rush in, rush out:
Are you reckless in love? Do you plunge into the deep end, only to find that the water is way too cold? Then this one's for you. Getting overly involved too soon is a big red flag. If you do it, then you need to pace yourself, and be more considerate of the other person, who you are probably leading on. If you fall for those who do it, then you need to slow things down and not get taken for a ride (or pursue a different type!).

* On the first date, already talks about marriage or kids. (This is even out on the 2nd or 3rd date)

Pretty? I forgot about that concept

Painting for sale on my site for $300.

I just read a blog post written by a college friend about traditionally attractive women, looks and what most people consider attractiveness in women. I have never thought myself as pretty or traditionally pretty or mainstream attractive. It feels perfectly normal to me to be this way and I have never tried being anything else. I wear no make up and I wear clothes I love regardless of fashion trends. On the contrary, I have always thought myself as smart, dynamic and creative and those qualities have always been worth even more than having traditional looks....which have always proven themselves to be boring if not supported by other qualities. 

What has been a huge priority for me has actually always been smarts. My husband without a doubt is one of the smartest people I know.   I am just naturally drawn to people who are calm and bring an aura of peace to their space. You bring me a beast with smarts and I would be attracted to it for its smarts. Smarts is more attractive than a pretty face any day. 

Forgiveness.....

This paitning is for sale at my old etsy store.

I am all the things I feared I'd become..... yet I am okay. 

When I was a teen all the way up to my 20s,  I feared gaining weight, I feared not being liked,  I feared being alone. My stress over these things torqued me tight and did not allow me to act normal. I tried tirelessly, yet uselessly to control all aspects of my life to avoid even a tinge of suffering. 

Yet, like a finally-aware child getting his vaccines at age 4 and gladly realizing that all that accumulated fear of needles had been unfounded.....that ultimately it was juts a pinch!!! ...I too noticed, these fears were just a pinch.....

At 35 I have been to the other side of these fears and see that they are not to be feared at all. I have perfect vision, strong legs, healthy hair.  I am a fiercely loving and  thoughtful mom and a faithful and caring wife.  I have amazing friends that love me and my mind sits peaceful even while the world around me runs around frantically. 

Wow, what an amazing blessing clarity is once you have it. 

The best thing about clarity and peace within is the gift you give those around you. Once a person feels they are not being judged or scrutinized mentally they ease into your space. It happens in that hidden wordless communication level, but it is as real as any form of communication. 

Taking Pleasure in Small Details

I have been so drained lately. I normally feel rejuvenated by crossing errands off my beloved to-do list once completed.  Yet lately, a new errand seems to creep from around the corner leaving me with little time to recover. 

First, I was taking Luke to get his shots for kindergarten, then realizing that I needed a form from the School Registration office.  Once at the office with both kids during a bad rainstorm, I am floored when informed by a very rude receptionist that the deadline had come and gone. (Who would have imagined Kindergarten applications to be due in March!) So now I am running around trying to get proofs of this and that...then my car spilled out it's entire coolant content when parked....we had just paid $500 to get the radiator repaired just last week, so it's gotta go back to the shop....and of course I need to figure out a ride.  Oh, and just now I remembered I have to take my son to the dentist in the morning....Notary public....my roommate asks for a ride to the doctor....and the list goes on.....

So no wonder when I go to my bank and they are serving FREE coffee......oh what a HUGE treat that is. Thank you Capital One!  You made my hour!

Parenting- My 2 cents...

When I was pregnant with my first baby people gave me all sorts of advice about being a parent. So, I thought I was well prepared to take on the challenges of parenthood. Boy was I wrong. With my second, I came armed with the knowledge from my first and thing went smoothly. Currently I see lots of friends and family around me that either have babies or about to have them, so I thought I would put together my own personal list of advice on being a new parent, or just on dealing with those 1st few days...

There is a good chance some of this advice might not apply to you. But more information is always best in my opinion. 

* It's much easier to deal with night feedings if you're nursing. My daughter can find her "food source" in pitch darkness.....even when I'm asleep.  With bottle feeding, you need to get up, heat up bottle, sit up and feed baby......I think I would have gone crazy doing that. 

* Don't be embarrassed if your child has a tantrum in public. Most people don't even notice. 

* Spontaneity in your life will grind to a halt.  No more "just grab 2 outfits and drive out of town for the weekend". You now have to pack and plan for so many what-ifs....what if he poops, what if he gets a fever on the NJ Turnpike, What if he spits up on my nice top, what if we get stuck on the highway in the winter.....

* Kiss spontaneity in the bedroom goodbye.....for a while.

* When you go to the hospital (if you end up there), you will have hopefully one nurse out of the endless parade who is just awesome.....remember her/his name.....thank them later with a gift. 

* Get ready for "what-I- think-is-best-for-baby arguments" with your partner. 

* Write/record/photograph the important moments.  You might think you will remember it all, yet, they all fade because there are so many quirks that appear and then pass through even in a year. 

* You must keep a journal for each child. I do this and feel it will be the best present for them for when they come of age. I write an entry on each of their journals a few times a month. 

* If you are the one always taking pictures, make sure you make others take pictures of you with your baby. 

* Wait for 2-3 days to take pictures of baby......they get their best color after being out for a few days. 

* My hubby and I saved $884/year on putting Nora on washable diapers. We use the Bum Genius brand; it's one-size-fits-all, expandable, and has strong durable Velcro tabs. When we use them, we place the inserts on top, no in the pocket it comes with as indicated. And....I made extra inserts with extra cotton baby blankets we had laying around. My hubby washes off poop which helps.....I could not do it otherwise.  

* One thing I wish I'd ask for at my baby shower was "babysitting coupons". 

* At the hospital prefer you not do this, you can always have the baby room with you after birth......I had Nora in bed with me the entire time I was there the day after my c-section. It broke my heart to have her in the baby room screaming her head off. 

* If you are exhausted and need more sleep in your day.....get a huge bed and bring in baby with you....you both will sleep better.....oh, and about rolling over baby.....unless you are dead drunk, or drugged, I never worried about it. 

* Feeling like you are not getting anything done during those long nursing sessions and too much baby time?  rent some CD books on tape from your local library, rip them to your I-pod and relax.......

* As a pregnant woman you get all the attention.  Once baby comes, it's all about baby......Some women have a hard time with this......

* I wish with both my kids that I learned a lullaby that the baby would listen to and help baby relax.....oh well, next baby...

* Before baby is born decide on some new fun traditions you will add to your new growing family.....One we decided on was going to the Thanksgiving Day Parade each year and the photo of us there would be our X-mas photo for that year. 

* Don't waste your money on commercial photo places.....pics you take at home of your child in natural settings will always come out better!  

* YOU NEED a digital camera...you can take as many as needed to get the right shot....have it charged and ready nearby in case.....and save pics in folders labeled by month/year format ....(0902 is February 2009). You can back them up also by uploading them onto an online album such as Snapfish.com....(my favorite online photo place). 

* As much as you may want to quickly get to see how they'd be at 5, 8, 12.....21 and imagine all the fun things you'll be doing together then, put those thoughts aside and enjoy them as they are now......They'll never be this small again....Even tomorrow they will be one day older....

***The print above is a digital collage created by myself and could be purchased at my older Etsy store.