Found Your Lost Collar....

Nora reached for her battery-operated doggie toy from the bottom of her toy basket and on it was your long lost collar.....

It made the noise you made as you walked and oh it took me to you so fast......it was as if you were right behind me...

it smelled like you even

I ran my fingers over your faded name and address on the silver bone-shaped tag, the carved letters almost blending together with age. 

The kids, being so young, have gone on with their daily routines. Every once in a while looking back with a memory and speaking of you in the present term. 

Nugget, our parrot, yells your name in anger in Chris' exact voice and tone. That is how daddy sounded when you barked at the neighbor's dogs without mercy....it was your favorite social activity. 

I know this rawness will pass just as all other past pains I've experienced. but right now, I ache to hold you in my arms and smell your fur, even if it's for one more time. Grieving, I am learning, is getting all your five senses to readjust to not having a loved one around....

Letting Death Happen Naturally

I have never felt stronger about letting death unfold naturally as I do now after watching Duncan die such a peaceful death.  I am so glad I did not choose to have him put down. He was not in pain, just did not want to move....eat or walk....

He stopped eating his regular food about 3 weeks ago and only drank water that whole time until his death. Of course we tried offering him all sorts of bacon and chicken....but he would not eat.....he had made up his mind and this was the beginning of the end. 

We did not know what was going on with him so we took him to the vet immediately and they could not find anything wrong with him. They gave us antibiotic pills and we were sent home. A week later we took him again and they only found a small lung inflammation and again were given meds and sent home.  The third time we took him to the vet, (a week later) we were referred to a specialist and it was only then after $2K in medical bills that we find out he's terminally ill. Once we know he's dying we take him home. 

That night in search for ways to keep him comfortable, I read online how dogs feel bad disappointing you and will often hold out on dying trying to please you....they mentioned it was important that if he's dying to verbally release him and tell him it's okay to go...

I immediately go upstairs and tell him I love him, I hug him around the neck, take in a full smell of his musky yummy fur and then say, "It's okay Duncan, if you need to go....it's okay, we love you....and will miss you, but if it's time to go....go."  The next morning he looked unusually good, his ears were up, his eyes bright....I left for work in a rush....he dies 2 hours later, laying down by his bed as if he were napping.  

After 3 weeks without food, he finally gave himself permission to go....he did not need to worry about us anymore, I reassured him. Of course, I miss him terribly, but I also feel satisfied that he died peacefully, not in cage, not in fear, not away from us, not with pills being shoved down his dry throat, no needles........he died in HIS home, surrounded by the people who love him....he died a peaceful death....without fear or pain.....I truly feel blessed to have given him that space and time to allow this process, that is wiser than us, to unfold unfettered. 

I can only hope and wish that when my time comes there is as much respect placed on giving me the time and space to allow this unknown thing called death to happen naturally......what a beautiful gift to give a loved one...I wonder now if I too will just know....and think" This is my time."  Only time will tell....

Telling My Son About Reincarnation....

We buried our dog of 7 years yesterday in the backyard, he was about 11 years old. The entire family got involved in burying him. My hubby and step-dad dug the 6' deep grave. they measured his body to figure out how they would fit him in for he hardened in a sprawled out sleeping position. Our roommate took me to home depot to get lime to help the body decompose faster into the soil and cancel out any odors once it decomposes. Luke gathered some of Duncan's favorite toys and a cup of his favorite food to add into the grave with him and my mom made coffee for everyone. The whole time I thought about how much Duncan would have loved being right there in the middle of the action, and that his spirit was probably right there with us. 

My 4 year-old son, L, cried as we lowered his body into the exact sleeping position we found him in. He participated by throwing in his 2 favorite balls. I threw in 2 freshly cooked chicken bones, and our roommate who'd always sneaked him treats, threw in 2 donuts.  When L asks about Duncan we've been telling him that although his body is dead, his soul lives on....We told him Duncan is in heaven right now resting and actively getting ready to come back in a new body to learn new lessons. As Buddhists my husband and I believe strongly in reincarnation. He seemed to like knowing that his soul lives on and the prospect of finding him again in the future. 

I noticed how well my son embraced our dog's death. All night as we lay cuddled he told me funny stories about Duncan which made me feel like we did a good job involving him in the burial and in being so open about his terminal illness. Death is not a thing to be feared, but just another phase in the circle of life.