Cleaning out my closet as metaphor for self-reflection

                         All this week I have been busy in my new classroom, getting it all ready for a wonderful new year teaching elementary art, this year in Spanish; I cannot wait to begin. This ended up being a huge undertaking for me, for the person who occupied the classroom before me had not been very organized in 'closing out' the room before summer; all of this is very normal in transitions within the teaching world mind you. Early on, it became clear that I would have to actually empty all the storage spaces (which are many), look over everything, and decide on what needed to go and what needed to stay. For a split second,  I actually hesitated taking this daunting route, but regardless of its enormity I knew it was the route to take if I truly wanted genuine organization. Two afternoons, and a raging backache later, I am done with all the major organizing and I could be more proud of myself for having tackled the 'monster'.  Although there is still lots to do, I know where everything is now and that feels amazing.

                         In looking at this situation with these closets and the amazing feeling I now enjoy having done the physically demanding and tedious work to get them gutted and sorted reminded me of the inner reflecting that's necessary to become who we truly were meant to be in this world. What a wonderful metaphor for true healing this was; so much that I sat right up to write about it at 4am. The motion of taking out each item in that closet and truly assessing its importance and relevance to my classroom simulates the act of self-reflection. I have discovered in my observations of people that when we have had a painful past, we deal with them in one of three ways, yet only one way is truly healing.

                           Some people deal with past hurts by using it as an excuse to everything they do or don't do. They have allowed the narrative of their painful past to pop-up when triggered and define and literally infect all their relationships and interactions. These are often very heavy, unpredictable, and difficult people. Then, there are the ones who have chosen to do quite the opposite, the ones who have chosen to utterly ignore their past narrative and continue their lives as if the painful experiences never existed at all. These people operate quite well in the world 99% of the time. The only issue I see with this approach is that it simulates a closet full of junk where one has thrown away the key. Having been this second way initially, I know it's not a 'forever' solution. What ends up happening, and this happened to me, is that huge, life-changing moments such as births, deaths and even marriage can often trigger these closets to open wide and force you deal with the issues hidden inside.  Last, and this is where I aim to stay, there are people that need to process and reflect on the past in order to be free of it and move forward in their lives. I am convinced that in order to have a joyful and fulfilling life one must take out each item in that 'closet' and look at it, assess it's value.  Interestingly, I have found that I am often drawn to friends and people in general who also have this self-reflective mechanism embedded in their lives.  Where do you fall?

We need heroes to help us figure out who we want to be....

In trying to teach my 6-year-old son about flexibility, a philosophy very much at the heart of Buddhist teachings, my husband and I often talk to him about 'the kind of person you'd like to be' and how that is inextricably connected to your actions, your words, your thoughts. 

This week I find myself bracing these very simple advice as I attempt to navigate lots of intense personal decisions. My decisions are made easier by weighing each decision against the ideals of who I aim to be. But where do these ideals become come from? I find that only in experiencing our own personal heroes are we then able to firmly know what we aim to become. Who are your children's heroes, who are yours?

My heroes: (not in order of importance)

Monique: Monique was a woman I worked for as a teenager. I cleaned her house and helped her with her garden. But she was much more than an employer. At a time when there was amazing turmoil in my home her house was a sanctuary from all that. Personally, she also saw something in me that I did not think existed in me at the time; beauty. I aim to be every child's Monique every day. I want to show every child their own beauty and worth and treat them with that same level of respect I received from this friend who has long passed. 

My mommy: My mom has to be the most creative and inventive woman I know. There is nothing this woman cannot do or learn to do. I also greatly admire her ability to envision what she wants and to make it happen. Every time I have moved into a new place I have been able to use those same skills to envision my future space and not rest until my vision and the space matches. I have seen my sister do this as well, so I know we both have this gift from her. 

My husband: In trying to respect my hubby's privacy, I'll just say that he's never given me bad advice. He's a great example of how if you surround yourself with wise people, with pure and loving intentions only great things can happen. 

My Friends: I have amazing friends from all walks of life, all ages, whom I deeply respect. Each have such strong, varied and positive qualities, I love each one dearly. From each I take away what I admire and emulate some of their ways and ideas into my life. 

Some others: I have tons of other heroes in my life....Naomi Wolfe, author of The Beauty Myth, a life changing book. Katie Byron, another author of life changing books. Howard Zinn, the historian who recently passed away, he is such an inspiration.  

All that I like about these people live within me for the qualities I admire in them come together to create an image of who I aim to be.....who do you admire?

Hate and Love are actually close neighbors

I thought I hated you

but I don't

Took a while to get here but it turns out all I wanted was for you to like me

I see you smile and I am joyous

I see you upset and I am a total mess

I wish there was a heavy metal door separating us. Perhaps this door would also have an armed guard, discriminating, protecting and keeping me away from the waves of negative energy that come and go at your ever-so-illogical will.

But the craziest thought by far is that I may just not only like you, but that I may also love you.

Oh, What a relief it would be to peel off these heavy negative thoughts and again feel light and clear.

Perhaps on the inside you are just like me,

wanting my love,

my approval,

my warm smile.

I trust that in changing my own thoughts both our worlds will begin to reflect a new beginning.