Women and feeling strong, why we need it....

                   

                  I use to run 6 miles a day as a teen, and in college I also ran, though not as much. Forward many years later, I stopped working out all together as years progressed. But, inspired by a friend, I have begun to run daily again. Not much mind you, just 1/2 hour daily running, raising my heart rate to over 140 beats per minute, 6-7 days a week. As a result of this new change in my life,  I feel the strongest I have ever felt in a long time. In fact, looking back, the last time I felt this strong was before I had my first child; that is about 8 years ago. 

                 In reflecting on what it was exactly that changed 8 years ago that 'weakened' me, I can immediately say it was the c-section births of my son, then my daughter 3 years later. For both births I was shooting for natural births with a midwife, doula and all. No matter how much people comforted me about this, something in me was telling me I had somehow failed, failed as a woman; the feeling and confidence I had in my own body was zapped out, shut off completely. As silent and quietly personal as these toxic messages which resonated within me were, the toll of such negative views of my own body and my own strength and abilities began to shift my self-image. Until one day I believed that I could not achieve much physically, and as all self-fulfilling prophesies work, I did not achieve much for years. 

                     I am back 8 years later and feeling stronger than ever.  I am again feeling in control of my own body after having literally given up on the idea of seeing myself in that capacity. I so intensely value what running  does for my well being, my self-image, my self-esteem that I am not worried about 'slipping back' to not exercising, or going back to viewing myself as unable to achieve much physically. This thing I now have, whatever it is, is mine baby, and it's here to stay, I know it in my bones; the benefits are too valuable. 

                    In further reflecting on running and its impact on my life, the impact of this current addition to my life reaches far beyond the obvious physical benefits. Like some magical domino affect, daily running is systematically affecting everything from my spirituality to my personal relationships, from my mood, to my patience level. Allow me to illustrate. Running has helped correct my posture for example. Now, you might think that's small and almost insignificant, but in fixing my posture, I now feel more at ease inside my own body, which affects the way I interact with others, which affects the way others see and interact with me, which makes for a more relaxed relationship, which makes for a more peaceful world, and the ripple affects go on, and on and on. 

                    Ones feelings about one's own abilities play an enormous role in how we related to other humans. The level of connectedness we feel with each other as human beings is inextricably connected with how we feel about ourselves, how we feel inside our own skins, what image we hold of ourselves. If we believe that we live in abundance and enjoy a life of emotional well-being, we are more likely to feel connected to people in positive ways and to other aspects of our lives in a way that reflects that level of inner peace and calmness. 

                     Your 'thing' might now be running, but I believe everyone has that special something that helps put all of life in perspective, it's our job to find it, cultivate it, grow it. Our bodies are great barometers of internal peace, if you don't feel right in your own skin it's time to start looking for that thing that will make it all fall into place....it's out there. 

Making Decisions We Can Live With

           Saw an amazing movie, The Devil Came on Horseback, about the atrocities that happened and continue to happen Darfur. It's a documentary based on a book by a young ex-marine who by chance, finds himself witnessing mass slaughters, rapes and ethnic cleansing in the area and who then uses his photos to try to convince the world of these killings and speak against them. 

          When I see stories like this, I am renewed in my belief that the universe has a plan for everyone and that it's up to us to allow for these twists and turns of life to reveal to us the ultimate purpose of our lives. I believe with all my heart that everyone has a purpose here. Unfortunately, that does not mean that we all will necessarily hail to the call of 'destiny' and right away gear all aspects of our lives in that direction. But I do know that in order to maximize on our lives' purpose three essential ingredients must e present. The three ingredients include, (1) an almost raw and genuine honesty with ourselves, (2) fearless bravery and (3) total acceptance of circumstances that might have not necessarily been in our plans. This plight needs to take on an 'at-all-cost' status. For example, this young man in the movie, a former Marine named Brian Steidle, was at first fearful that showing his photographs 
might get him in trouble with various entities here in the States.
Yet, his inner voice was so convincing and loud that he knew right away that what he was doing was right and true, even at the face of all his fears.

         There comes times in our lives when difficult decision must be made for the larger good. We must choose between what's cozy and easy and what's an obvious uphill battle for the ultimate right; whatever that may be for us at the time. What I find most poignant about these 'life battles' is how unimportant other's opinions and perspectives becomes once we know in our hearts what is right. This year for example, I left a job I loved very much after painfully realizing that under the current administration I would not prosper as a professional or as a human being. Lots of people had very strong feelings about my decision to find greener pastures, but ultimately I knew that it would be me who needed to live with this decision and therefore only my understanding of my predicament truly mattered. Making the right decision is never easy, but after the dust settles, we knew we took the right path if we can walk with our heads held high.   

My entire ROOTS series on display at Wilson's 75th Celebration this Saturday

My entire ROOTS series on display at Wilson's 75th Celebration this Saturday

Dear wonderful Murch families!

I will be showing the entire series of my latest mixed media paintings at the Wilson's 75th celebration tomorrow. This will be the first and only showing of the completed 'roots' series which I've been working on for the past 9 months.

Aside from my own work, All day this Saturday, (10-5pm) Wilson will open its doors to the community and host a FREE Music & Arts Festival and Open House featuring:

**Field stage with rock ‘n roll to gogo: Trouble Funk, Deathfix, Peculiar People, Ras Lidj, Morrison Brothers, and the Wilson Marching Band

**Auditorium stage with jazz to opera Art exhibition & sale in the atrium

**Crafts fair Food trucks, including Red Hook Lobster, DC Empanadas, Fojol Bros, Takorean, Curbside Cupcakes, Broad Branch Market, Armands, and Tender Rib.

hope to see you all there! Please email me at Miriam.Cutelis@yahoo.com if you have questions.

Honoring a life

Just a few blog posts ago I wrote about the way bad experiences make us better appreciate the good aspects in life. Ironically, just a couple days after this post, I read in the news about a most heinous crime against a tiny 3-year old girl and my entire world is turned upside down. Suddenly, despite the fact that I did not know the victim, it was hard to simply be, hard to get past this horror in my mind and was reacting to it very intensely. I was taken off my feet by my reaction and even today continue to feel an enormous sense of sadness for this child and her loving family. Suddenly, finding all the so called, 'good aspects' of life, as I wrote in my last post, was much easier said than done.

Breeann Rodriguez was 3 when she was murdered. On Saturday, August 6, 2011, she woke up, got dressed in a pink top and pink and purple pants, brushed her teeth, ate cereal, and went outside her Senath, Missouri house to ride her bike up and down her block with her older brother, who is 5. The community has a zero crime rate and they lived in an end street. At one point while playing, her brother ran inside their home to get a drink and when he came back, Breeann and her bike were gone. After days of an exhaustive and hope-filled search by police and town volunteers, an arrest was made. The man who took her life was a 42 year-old neighbor who had been living there for 10 years. He claimed he saw Breeann in his back yard, standing by his pool and carried her small 30 lbs. body inside his home, suffocated her with a white trash bag, then placed her body in the same white bag and dumped her and her bike in a waterway a few miles from her home. A clearer motive has not been given by the perpetrator, yet he's had a record of losing his temper.

Unfortunately, we all have heard of many such cases before in our lives. But for some reason, this one case, with 3-year old little Breeann, has affected me deeply and I find myself wanting to know why. How come some people read about it and are able to move past it? My friend Jenna suggests that perhaps this case hit me so personally because I too have a daughter who is 30 lbs. and she too likes Dora, and thinks herself our little 'Princess'. She also suggests that perhaps the fact that I have a very active imagination allows me to vividly piece together what it must have been like for this poor little girl to go through this horrifying death. Whatever the reason may be for my deep connection to this one specific case, this one child, I have been trying hard to accept the sadness I feel; not try to move past it, not trying to ignore it. Right now, I am simply allowing myself to feel, living in sadness, not worrying about when the sadness cloud will be lifted.

In the past, when I have experienced death, I found it so important to formulate a life-long plan of how to honor that person's memory with my life, my actions, my choices. From what I read about this little girl, she was a bit shy, but she was a very happy child. I thought of her brothers and of how close knit the family iwas based on the picture slideshows that began to pop up all over the web. I have decided I will honor this child's short, but happy life by heightening my sensitivities toward the sacredness in every child I come in contact with. As I begin the new school year as a teacher of 500+ children, I will take with me this new resolve to make a meaningful difference in each and every child's life. I am not referring to academic goals here. I am referring to something much more important than that. I am talking about inspiring my little people to live life to the fullest and most importantly to see and value their many, many inherent gifts. Too many kids go through their school years absorbing these silly labels placed on them based on their grades on an academic continuum (as if grades somehow determined one's human value or potential as an adult). I will honor Breeann's short life by finding what each of my student is good at and helping them nurture those gifts within themselves.

self-righteousness is one of the last vehicles left for uninhibited hatred

We are becoming a world of black and white, rights and wrongs, where mistakes and imperfections are unforgivable. People who live in the public eye, for example, are treated with this wire-thin measure and when they inevitably fail, as all humans do, we crucify them, we pellet them with hard hatred. When I witness utter self-righteousness on the side of people who claim to be 'right' I am reminded of the Gandhi's famous quote, "We need to be the change we wish to see in the world" and wonder whether or not these same people would like this same type of treatment when they (and they inevitably will) make mistakes.

I am blessed to be married. In marriage you learn how to be soft, how to forgive, how to practice compassion daily, how to work with the other, and how to love both yourself and the other despite your imperfections. Yet, in order to have a marriage work, really work, one needs to abandon these essentially fundamentalist, black and white ways of looking at life and delve in the grey. Most married couples I know have recurring arguments about and around the same subjects that often come up again and again. The issue then becomes how does one address these recurring arguments once and for all so that the ugly interaction does not recur over and over? Assuming there is love in the marriage and real interest in its success coming from both sides, one then starts to examine the 'whys', the purpose, the 'behind the scenes' thought processes that led to these actions. Eventually, one discovers, to make things work, one must abandon the black and white ways of looking at life and live, breathe, exist in the grey. Understanding the other and developing understanding in ourselves then becomes the vehicle for forgiveness and compassion. I am more likely to forgive a person who hurt my feelings if I understand why it happened. Surprisingly, I have found, that more often than not a negative interaction is brought on by factors external to me.

Oprah is always talking about the evolution of the person and where people are on this continuum. I have come to believe that reaching this point in our lives where we start to abandon the hard self-righteousness, stop thinking in absolutes and soften our deeply held fundamentalist-style way, rates much higher on the proverbial human evolutionary scale. If there were a revolutionary scale, I am more than confident that softness, understanding, and compassion would be fairly high up there.

If you doubt that the world is getting harder and less compassionate. Look at these facts. The amount of money allocated for Clinton-Lewinsky investigation was $40 million, while the amount of money allocated for the 9/11 Commission was only $14 million. These facts tells me that in the 'modern' world we care more about sounding right and winning then actually doing right by people.

Anybody can say they are doing what they are doing for a righteous cause but it's in how they pave their solutions that one must look instead. When I meet someone with hard, unrelenting views and with forgiveness and compassion nowhere to be found, I get very wary. In fact, I most often walk away. No solutions that agrees with all stakeholders can come from hard, unrelenting, self-righteous people.

The most traumatizing movie I ever watched and that to this day still haunts me to the core is the movie, The Stoning of Soriya M. (it's on streaming video on Netflix). In the end of this movie you see a horrific, no bars held, stoning of an innocent mother of three you have come to respect and understand. Although this type of bloody justice is far from our modern reality in the US, we do as a society exact that same severity and intensity of 'justice' through our judgements. Our leaders, our celebrities, our politicians may not be literally stoned when they do wrong, but they are symbolically stoned with words, with judgements, with hatred.

I believe self-righteousness is close neighbors with hatred. I've come to experience these brutal forms of justice in my own personal world and have come to the conclusion that self-righteousness is one of the last vehicles left for uninhibited hatred. It's like watching those 'revenge movies" that begin with some child abduction that then makes all killings in the next two hours justified.

I am not buying it any more. I am staying clear of all forms of fundamentalism with their hard, relentless and cut-throat solutions that take us all in the wrong direction. Long lasting solutions can only come from conversations with the other, understanding of the other and compassion. From now on I will live, breathe and walk the change I wish to see in the world and I am choosing people for my circle who mirror back these softer qualities.

Why I blog- Blogging as practice of self-acceptance in myself and others

I might not be the best speaker, the best writer, or have the best ideas, but blogging has allowed me a place to say yes to my thoughts, yes to my ideas and yes to my imperfections in a way that simultaneously allows others to see value in their own voice.

Blogging is not about saying my ideas are better or the best ideas out there. I know people sometimes confuse assertiveness and openness for arrogance, especially if they never afforded you a voice or place at the table to begin with. That is the beauty of Blogging, everyone has a seat at the table.

My aim in writing to has always been to validate my own imperfect voice; it's the daily practice of finding the true and genuine inside myself and validating it through its sharing. Posting a blog is like putting a stamp on each idea and saying to the world, "I stand by this", in the world where nothing placed online ever truly disappears, that is a huge commitment. You place your posts out there for the world to judge, share, laugh at or laugh with and regardless of the external response, the internal YES that happens is incredibly empowering.

The added external benefits to the readers are secondary, but also very meaningful to the whole process. In allowing yourself to lower your own walls and essentially show your own vulnerability, you magically allow others others to lower their own walls and at best, find more value in their own journey and voice. In showing ourselves in the glory of our full messy humanity with all our glaring imperfections while all along still accepting ourselves, we afford that same level of self-compassion to bloom in others.

Fearlessness

Fear

I have visited fear hundreds of times

seen its ugly face and heard it urging me to disappear

to shrink,

become nothing

fear loves you bowing to it

freezing, trembling, paralyzed as it slithers near

disappear, disappear, disappear

But like child's play

the game begins to lose hold the more it happens

you question its danger

will it injure me?

will it kill?

If I'm struck, will it hurt?

You experience that even in the darkest of darks good things arise

you learn

you grow

....and then suddenly

the fear, the paralysis, the trembling fades away

fear's repeated abuse of its own power

has taught you

that the result of all this pain

may not be a bad thing

in fact,

in may be great, good, just the same as before.

Then comes fearlessness.

Fearlessness is a result of hours of pain

and experience with

fear itself.

Fearlessness is the gift we get

from years of fear education

I have seen the gifts of misfortune and

know and trust that all will be just fine

for even the most unwanted of trategies bears fruit

to hope, beauty and growth

In all its ugliness, life is beautiful.....

Life turns all this ugliness into gold

if

if

if you trust the cycle of human growth and potential

I direct my words, actions and activities to proceed

only guided by my own inner compass.

Come at me with any costume, any form,

control

humiliation,

disrespect,

maliciousness,

it will not be the first time,

or the last ugliness that has come knocking

the door is unlocked and wide open

Setting Goals Can Make all the Difference

I am the goddess of lists. There is nothing more satisfying than making a list and checking each item off the list. The purpose of it is not to get rid of the items on the list, yet, to revel in the mere satisfaction of moving though life's endless lists that unroll before me as the days pass.

Therefore, in order to maximize this long weekend and feel satisfied at the end I must make a list....

My goals for the long weekend are:

* make a nice sit-down breakfast for the family at least 2 of those mornings.

* Sleep in at least one of these days.

* Paint!! I have been itching to paint an acrylic painting of these exposed roots I have photographed back in NY.

* Listen to Friday and Thursday's Demoracy Now episodes on www.DemocracyNow.org

* Order photos of the kids in my art class to display for Back To School Night

* Make Jewelry with Luke. He's been begging me to do it for a few days now.

* Stay up one night to watch new Netflix movie with hubby.

* Get rid of 5 bags of give aways that have been sitting around.

* Take kids to the park/hike/or walk dowtown.

* Call friend

Personalized Bound Book Services

Imagine a beautifully bound book (not album) with bright personally meaningful images and words in each page about a special day or event in your family. All you need to do is send me all your pictures in the correct sequence with a few words about the plot/story. I will design you a book and have it professionally printed for you. Once I create a basic design, and pay for your first copy you will be able to easily print any number of copies on your own from the printer service.

The possibilities are endless:
* Pictures of you and your child making your favorite recipe. One step at a time. If you have not yet taken the pictures, please call me for tips on getting better images. Make a family heirloom. Pass it down to your children

* Pictures of "a day in the life of" anyonein your family. Follow someone around all day and tell their story.

* Neighborhood book. All the fun places where you live

* Family albums- pictures of all family and extended family...

* Social story to help you gently change your child's behavior through a fun narrative

* First Birthdays, who came, what happened....

* Weddings....and the list goes on and on....

Cost of this service is $85 It included the design of your book and the shipping and printing fee for one copy. You must send me all your pictures in JPG format to my e-mail or by CD to my address (call me to get this info). If you only have non-digital images you must turn them into JPG format before I can work with them. Your local photo store would be able to help you do this for very little cost.

you pay deposit to get me started and other half before I send it to you. The other half ($42.50) is due when book is done and before shipping.

You will fill out a general questionnaire before I begin designing the book to help me design a book that best fits your needs. Any changes that need to be done to the final design will be limited to 3 requests. Thereafter changes will cost 5$ per design change.

TO PURCHASE MY SERVICES CLICK HERE. You will be directed to my Etsy online store.

Congruence

The older I get the more I rely on my intuition when dealing with all kinds of situations and people.

A few years back the minute I met someone difficult or rude I'd immediately absorb their negative energy and take their rudeness personally; as if somehow it was my fault I was being mistreated. My intuition was fairly weak and of little help in giving me insight on someone's odd behavior. I'd simply react and allow it to wreck my mood, my day, my hour....somehow it was always me and never them.

Today I feel much more confident in my abilities to see things as they really are. When encountered with a difficult personality it never even occurs to me that it has anything to do with me. What's different? Today, my foundations are my family, my few close friends and the fact that I know and accept myself with all my faults. This foundation has allotted me a fearless strength not found in the "me" of years past. I could safely say I live a fearless life.

I may be dramatic, yet I never say something I do not feel truly in my heart. I may be obsessive but my intentions are always pure and for good. I may be bossy and demanding, but I never disregard anyone to meet my own needs first. I may have very little time for making new friends, yet, when talking to anyone I always remind myself that every person has a slice of sacred in them. You will never see me talking to any adult, child, animal or insect with disrespect. Words matter. I know. Last, I may talk too much, but I am the same person to all people and my intentions are always positive and healthy towards all humanity.

A difficult personality in my book is just someone who is not themselves, or walking a fine line trying to be someone other than themselves. When you meet them and your intuition is fully awake, you feel their energy closed and tight, sporadic, restrained and unable to come across in a fluid, congruent manner. They are the over-praisers who fear your disapproval if they stop complimenting excessively. They are the ones you know right off you will never penetrate; for their story about you in their heads is way too heavy to untangle. Last, they are the overly serious people who follow some stiff fundamental ideas and turned away from their use of basic common sense. I meet them, feel their suffering and move on.

It's so liberating not to crave approval, or to fear disapproval.

It's so liberating to have a clean and open heart ready to accept all these difficult personalities and simply live around them unaffected by their actions.

Life is absolutely perfect as it is.

Missing my 132 Crew....

Ms. Green is the one in the middle.

As I start a new year with a new community I am reminded of all the times I've been new.

There's the time I first moved back from South America at age 9 and did not speak a lick of English sitting at a NYC public school absolutely terrified, alone and miserable. I am also reminded of all the times I've been new at the many schools I've been blessed to work in and having those difficult few weeks adjusting.....Each time I've been more confident and less nervous.

Today I find myself at an excellent school and a strong community, but I find myself missing my old PS132Q; the school I left behind. I feel more confident than ever, yet I find myself yearning for the community I left behind. In thinking about it further, I come to see that certain people in that community are the ones that gave it a community feel. This revelation speaks volumes about the power just one person has in creating and shaping a community.

A great example of how one person can shape and create a community would be Ms. Green. Ms. Green was the 3rd grade teacher at the old school I taught at for 4 years and my dear friend and classroom neighbor. On days where I forgot to bring lunch I'd be surprised with a tupperware-full of soup she had made the night before. She would greet me every morning with a huge smile and went the extra mile to be there for everyone with advice and encouragement. No matter the circumstance, she always resorted to making good out of the situation and never once spoke negative of anyone of our colleagues; always gave people a chance.

I'd say being "Ms.Green-like" is my goal in terms of how I'd like to be within a community. I aim to be consistent, positive and free of judgement toward others. I aim to be true and congruent in all my words and actions. I will also most certainly aim to keep my core strong and not allow other people's drama to consume me in any way. But most importantly, I aim to be proactive in building a new community now, where I am, no matter how unnatural that may feel to me at the moment. This last goal is a hard one for me for I am initially aloof as a newbie. I've been told before that this attitude comes across as snobby, yet there's not an ounce of snobby in me; it's all just shyness.

I will open and allow and not close away my heart to new experiences and friendships. Instead of yearning the past, I will carry their diamond gifts in my heart and allow their gifts to help me flourish in this new place I will someday feel as "my home".

A battle with weight loss.....I say give me back my life!

Just as I thought, It's happening....slowly but surely, I am losing weight!!

I knew deep inside that the change would come if only I stopped making losing weight such an intense need in my life. You see, I am a stress-eater. I eat when I get stressed, or have nothing to do....Yet, I knew that the minute I realized that life was more than reaching this goal, I would lose the weight.

Instead of all this fretting, I began just "being there" for everything, 110%. I walk everywhere with my children in a stroller and not necessarily focused on getting to my destination fast or faster. Instead, I just focus on having fun with my kids....loving their little voices, minding their moods without getting frazzled, and simply allowing myself to feel right in my own body, no matter how "not-skinny" I felt. If I ran into anyone, I would enjoy their words and truly listen to their stories and not get caught on the destructive thoughts that haunt all people who have struggled with their body as I have.

Pretty? I forgot about that concept

Painting for sale on my site for $300.

I just read a blog post written by a college friend about traditionally attractive women, looks and what most people consider attractiveness in women. I have never thought myself as pretty or traditionally pretty or mainstream attractive. It feels perfectly normal to me to be this way and I have never tried being anything else. I wear no make up and I wear clothes I love regardless of fashion trends. On the contrary, I have always thought myself as smart, dynamic and creative and those qualities have always been worth even more than having traditional looks....which have always proven themselves to be boring if not supported by other qualities. 

What has been a huge priority for me has actually always been smarts. My husband without a doubt is one of the smartest people I know.   I am just naturally drawn to people who are calm and bring an aura of peace to their space. You bring me a beast with smarts and I would be attracted to it for its smarts. Smarts is more attractive than a pretty face any day. 

Think MORE of the Things You Want...& Less in What You DON'T Want

This is a sample vision board I found online.....I will post mine in a few days once I am done. 

I was visiting my oldest friend Jen last month in Northern Virginia and while chatting in her room I noticed a beautiful collage of images on her wall right next to her bed. I asked her what it was and she answered it was her Vision Board. 

I loved the idea of a vision board, yet did not get to creating my own until this past week. I hopped onto Google Image search and found images that fit various things I would like to have in my life in the near future. I could not help to thinking of it like some form of "bucket list". Plus, at first, I found it very difficult to list things I wanted as if I almost believed I did not deserve them.  I kept apologetically thinking, "Come on, that's too much!".   Being a proud minimalist all my life I have learned to find the hidden pleasures of not having too much.  But once I started warming up I opened up and the ideas came flowing. I began exploring out of my usual comfort zone. 

I have all the symbolic images ready....I will print them, cut them and glue them onto a  recycled stiff cardboard, then write short descriptive sentences beside each image.....Don't worry, I will post my own vision board in a couple of days......If you have one....I would love to hear what some of your "visions" are.

Misfortunes May Be Hidden Blessings

Japanese Calligraphy for Blessing!

I have been wanting to get my haircut forever. I had cut my hair short months ago and now, in attempts to grow it out, I am going through what my very tactful friend described as, the "awkward stage".  this weekend, in a dingy drawer, I found a Spafinder gift certificate for $150 I got on 2005 for my first Mother's Day.  Just so happens the gift certificate does not expire and it just so happens that some spas double as hair salons. I can't believe my blessing!! So I am going in today for free.....I am taking Luke (4) with me who will take his digital camera. He likes being an observer....

So when some misfortune happens in your life, rest in the notion that one day you just might just be grateful that IT happened. 

The closer you are to the misfortune the crazier this theory sounds....but, it happens all the time. The more I think of it, the more I see all sorts of misfortunes-turned-blessings. 

Have any....love to hear about them....